Saturday, November 10, 2001 | 02:53 p.m.
my life, is a mess
Sunday, October 14, 2001 | 01:27 p.m.
He will come down any minute now and it won't be even a bit pleasant at all..
And when he left last night.. I sat there indifferently watching my mom's tear stained face as she sputtered out the mess of our lives.. and I hardly said a thing.
She asked why I glared at her as if I hated her.. I told her.. it was just the way I looked at people.. thus I don't usually glare at people. They either think I loathe them... or they will think that I'm glaring at them half in love. And it's nothing.. You are nothing to me..
It is better.. to pretend I hate you..
I am going to live and not just exist..
And it will be the only promise that I obligate to myself..
And I thank you last night.. who reminded me of who I am..
Who took me away.. from this place..
Saturday, October 13, 2001 | 09:58 a.m.
Katrina dyed her hair black again.. and I think it looks cool in that color..
Yesterday, I realized that both Morganne and S have blond hair, blue eyes.. without the pale white skin most real blonds have. and I think if you put Asian and blond together.. it's strange.
Saturday, October 13, 2001 | 08:10 a.m.
I can't read people's minds... so I don't know what's happening but something IS happening.. I told M once, that I could get anyone I wanted... to fall in love with me.
Woke yesterday at 7 and went to the school to "help out" which never happened anyway since the subs were all ready made. I layed on a table and read The Pollen Room which strikes me as an intriguing book. I'm glad I picked it up.
Afterwards I went to the mall walking in circling it endlessly. I hadn't a single bit of cash with me and had made 2 cash advances for $10 each.
I went to see Amber and just for her own ammusement, I let her give me a makeover. Than before she left she gave me her number, and said if I ever wanted to just hang out.. to give her a call.
I couldn't get ahold of S and.. I felt like a terrible person. Maybe it was the whole reason my day was shitty. It was real hard to really think about anyone else.
After.. I was dragged to the movie, Corky Romano, which was notably funny..
Walking back to the mall, I called her and crying had my eye shadow smear under my eyes. So I wiped off all the work Amber had done on me onto the sleaves of my black shirt. It was at the entrance of the mall where I sat there clutching the public phone to my ear as if it would save my life.
Than after the book festival.. and one home I fell asleep. My alarm clock was the next thing I heard telling me it was 5am.
I check my caller ID which relieved me.. but it is 8 right now..
So, I was shocked to have not received a mail from M... hmm. We went to look at another house... M ask me if the houses we were looking at had been castle size and I laughed at her. But this one.. yesterday... IS castle size. Jesus..
and someone.. sent this to me today...
Friday, October 12, 2001 | 07:51 a.m.
Her favorite song, become one of those with that strange effect on me. And it's purely coincidential that it has happened.
M sent me 2 photos from her photography class. And... I don't know the right word to express them.
never asked to feel this way.
But I used to believe in people too easily.
Thursday, October 11, 2001 | 04:02 p.m.
I hurt myself today, to see if i still feel
I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole, the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away, but i remeber everything
what have i become? my sweetest friend
everyone i know, goes away in the end
you could have it all, my empire of dirt
i will let you down, i will make you hurt
i wear my crown of shit, on my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts, i cannot repair
beneath the stain of time, the feeling disappears
you are someone else, i am still right here
what have i become? my sweetest friend
everyone i know, goes away in the end
you could have it all, my empire of dirt
i will let you down, i will make you hurt
if i could start again, a million miles away
i would keep myself, i would find a way
NIN
Wednesday, October 10, 2001 | 09:56 p.m.
Saw my therapist today... Her mouth, I dislike it just a bit. I wonder what they would do if I twitched each time she moved it.
The stickers J bought me say "Popularity is a Socially Transmitted Disease" and "Only cool chicks can do me".I haven't a clue where the hell I'm going to put those.
should study now..
Tuesday, October 9, 2001 | 05:46 p.m.
I will finally link this pitas site. BUT... time doesn't have the time to be generous now I suppose.
each new entry will show up white now. And each one made old will be grey.
Tuesday, October 9, 2001 | 05:30 p.m.
c o u g h i n g up
feeling just for you.
To find something REAL
to hold on to.
But there is a hole.
inside
my
heart
Where all of my LOVE
comes
pouring out..
Tuesday, October 9, 2001 | 05:28 p.m.
I've had a stressful and least likable day. It's getting around to be winter again and too cold out to climb atop of anything.. they way I like to. But the snow, has saved me more times than I can thank.
On Thursday... I have been tricked into consenting on going on a double date, which is an idea I'm not so fond of. Mixing people doesn't work for me. I don't like to mix MY people.
M appologized for being moody yesterday, and I hadn't even noticed the change. She asked me to tell her when S and I would ever get together.. and I haven't. Each time it's hanging off the tip of my tongue but I know these things make her feel strange even if she's never told me directly. It's the same to me though.
Yanzi's song plays in my ears so beautifully.
And I still intend to send a copy to someone.. because I didn't forget about it.. I don't have any working cd-r's. That's all.
I just want to tell you...
that time will give back, the love it has stolen..
so don't forget...
I have my French book laying open... facing me. and right now.. I feel that I hate it.
Love is Hate.
What's your favorite oxymoron?
Don't flatter yourself.
Monday, October 8, 2001 | 03:13 p.m.
I skipped school today... I suppose it would be call "skipping" since I had no real reason for not going.
I went to a movie with S and K.
And later, she asked why I hadn't kissed her. It was because.. K was there. And I've never kissed a girl in front of anyone I know..
And...
I
Have
Had
A
Tiring
Day
i know where i want to be..
and...
you...
don't deserve...
me..
Saturday, October 6, 2001 | 01:19 p.m.
I've not given this page out to anyone and I think I will link several things today that will go to the main.
Last night I lit a candle, and it burned through passion and into the morning. and when I woke, the borders had caved in and given it a round attribute. I wrote to M about some things that were on my mind, and she replied "your email can't be more weird. "
I'm weirding people out. Making people who don't get embarrassed, embarrassed.
I'm going to take M skiing one day. Telling her about it, she is afraid of heights.
Today, I would really like to see S. But I have no means of transportation.
Tuesday, October 2, 2001 | 09:25 p.m.
Ah!
It's in, it's in, it's in my fuckin' fingers. SHIT.
I want to scream... and I pray that it's all I've expected.
S called and told me of the events that occured last night. How she didn't dance with Andrea and was spit in the face with beer because of it. Andrea doesn't believe that she really doesn't want to sleep around anymore. It is still hard for me to believe. I think Andrea resembles Jolie... and S's usually crazy about that....
Tuesday, October 2, 2001 | 03:42 p.m.
my new screen name is:
Find me however you wish... I shall hide as I please.
______________________________
I jumped in the river...
What did I see...
Black-eyed angels swam with me..
Sunday, September 30, 2001 | 12:50 p.m.
As of now, I will do anything.. to press my parents into having me move to Houston next year. The stress and anger gets worse and worse every year... and I don't want to take any more of it. Every wrong is somehow occultively(?) linked back to me.
Mom thinks I want to move out WITH her... but she has it wrong. All this family does is talk. They never actually DO a thing. It doesn't consent with me well. I don't like just talk. I intend to do everything I say I want to do. I only have a year longer and in reality not but one friend here. It's less than I've ever lost... It's the only sense I understand.
I'm frankly quite sick and annoyed that each time I yell my throat hurts. I just want to be selfish. I just want to get myself out of here. Save myself. I should be able to save myself at least..
I hate this entry...
Saturday, September 29, 2001 | 09:47 p.m.
I'm just testing this.. and making Christine happy because this side of the page will work now.